
Dark Day of the Soul — Photo by DeeAshley
Loss is a component of our life, but it can elicit complex and difficult emotions. Losses come in many types and different magnitudes; they can range from something relatively minor (such as the losing a cherished item) to major events (like losing a loved one). A significant loss is synonymous with a reduction of resources in the life of the person, as in losing someone or something. The role of attachment is inherent in the experience of loss. The most dramatic losses of our lives are connected to attachment figures.
Searching for a reason to explain loss
The experience of loss has a subjective as well as an objective dimension. They are not necessarily correlated, because a person can have the subjective experience of a major loss, while others may perceive it differently. However, in the case of the most dramatic losses, such as death, divorce, a terminal illness, or the loss of home or employment, the subjective and objective evaluations are highly correlated. Whatever the correlation between the objective and subjective experiences, losses are inherently traumatizing.
People try to live their lives out as a meaningful system – ever searching for a reason as to why things happen. The search for meaning is ambivalent here, because it depends on the characteristics of the individual and the specifications of the situation. The psychology and therapy of loss necessarily focus on the subjective experience of the individual. The experience of loss is, in most cases, associated with grief and mourning. Grieving has five distinct stages: Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. The first four stages of grief do not represent the acceptance of the loss. Only the last stage of the grieving process is associated with coming to terms with it. As the process can be very lengthy and not everyone is able to reach the final stage, acceptance, the help of professionals can be very useful.
Feel you are having a chain of losses?
Individuals suffering from a loss often feel that their losses happen in multiples, and the events of losses follow each other as a chain. Losing something can have the effect of bereavement – one that refuses to heal over time or takes a very long time to heal. However, the reactions to multiple losses are mediated by the belief in justice and the deserved nature of losses.
The experience of loss, coping, and adaptation after the experience depends on the capacities of the individual, the ability to live in an altered environment, or the individual style of coping, such as intellectual or emotion-focused. Individual coping has strong associations with the appraisal of stressors. A loss and, in this sense, a stressor has a more profound effect on our lives if it concerns the most important areas of our lives, if it affects more than one area, or if it is prolonged. There are similarities in the process of grief and the way individuals evaluate their losses and cope with them, but we cannot forget that every loss is an individual story.
How Emotion Focused Therapy helps to cope with loss
Emotion focused therapy has a basic assumption that you have to arrive at a place before you leave it. The experiences of loss are often connected to maladaptive emotional memories of past childhood losses. Activating old memories and reconsolidating them by assimilating new memories are an important part of the therapeutic process. Loss can trigger implicit schemes of emotions about inadequacy, blame or insecurity. Individuals experiencing loss have a self that is organized by vulnerability. When they lose, their resilience is lost and so is their ability to rely on their strengths and mastery. With emotion focused therapy, the feelings of sadness and the sense of deprivation can be processed adequately and this can represent the core of the treatment. Feelings can be extremely strong, but they are natural concomitants of the experience of loss. Emotion focused therapy offers empowerment to the suffering individual with access to his or her adaptive emotions. Reconnection with the self and the environment, as well as soothing the pain associated with the event are also vital parts of the therapeutic process. Emotion focused therapy aims to help clients develop their emotional experiences with the access to primary adaptive emotional responses in such situations. The normal interruptions during the therapy process mirror the losses of attachment bonds from the childhood. Therefore, they are able to explain the internal methods and templates the clients use to construct their own relationships.
Clients can do a great deal for themselves during the time of dealing with the effects of loss. They should care about their health, seek out social support (apart from professional help), actively express their emotions, and realize that pain is an inherent part of the process of losing someone or something dear.
Related Articles
- When to Visit a Psychologist
- Trauma Counselling
- Top 5 Things to Do to Support a Family Member with Depression
- Problem Solving: A Psychological Perspective
- Coping with Loss and Grief
- Grief and Recovery
- Grief Counselling
If you are looking for help, whether for yourself or a loved one, the psychologists at the centre can assist in exploring underlying issues through therapy. Please visit practitioners’ page to find out more, or call (03) 9820-5577 for an appointment or to make enquiries.
Psychologists at the Centre for Emotion Focused Practice

Julie Chhouk
Registered Psychologist
I am a registered psychologist and have experience working with both children and adults. I’m passionate about creating a safe and warm environment for clients to express the difficulties that they may be experiencing in their lives.

Lara Ryan
Child, Adolescent & Adult Psychologist
I am a registered psychologist that works with individuals of all ages to really get to the heart of what it is they want and need to live a full life..
Jasmine Silberbauer
Registered Psychologist
I am a registered psychologist with a diverse range of experience across various stages of the lifespan, from early intervention through to adult. I have worked across the disability sector, occupational rehabilitation and the corporate sector, to provide a wide range of psychological services.

Lyn O’Grady
Child, Adolescent & Adult Psychologist
As a Registered Community Psychologist, I have worked with parents in community settings for approximately 10 years as well as with children and young people in school settings for 10 years.

Oliver Santiago
Registered Psychologist & Clinical Psychology Registrar
My experience as a Counsellor and Psychologist has spanned a period of 12 years, many of which have been within the community, organisational, educational and hospital sectors. This myriad of experiences has undoubtedly shaped my approach in how I listen and understand people’s difficulties.

Susanne Goldie
Psychologist
I work with a wide range of individuals in a non-judgemental, holistic way to understand each person’s unique circumstances and support them in achieving their goals. I work with people of all ages.

Joan Hamilton Roberts
Counselling Psychologist & Psychodramatist
I have worked with individuals & couples for over 20 years. I help people rediscover forgotten perspectives & create new visions.

Hannah Lethbridge
Registered Psychologist
I provide a warm environment for clients to express their thoughts, feelings, and struggles in a safe way. My clients value the collaborative approach I take when we work towards their therapeutic goals.
Geoff Newbegin
Counselling Psychologist & Psychotherapist
I am an experienced counsellor and psychologist with over 15 years of experience, which includes a wide range of clinical experience.
Christine Hayes
Clinical Psychologist and Educational & Developmental Psychologist
I provide psychological therapy services for adults, including parents, and for adolescents.
Saturday Appointments
Lucas Silva-Myles
Registered Psychologist
My therapeutic approach is firstly to hear your story and understand what you are going through without judgement.
Heather Williams
Counsellor & Registered Psychologist
I am a counsellor and registered psychologist who has had seven years of experience working primarily in the social services sector and private practice. I work with children, parents, individuals and couples.
Hannah Kroussoratsky
Counsellor
Gentle, caring and encouraging, my desire is to truly hear your story and create a safe space for you to grow and flourish. I have a genuine commitment to your whole self – body, mind, heart and spirit – and my integrated therapeutic approach allows for your holistic care and transformation.
Cora Clough
Counsellor
I am a registered counsellor and work from a humanistic, client-centred approach to assist people in understanding and healing their emotional system.