Why Couples Cheat

Unhappy couple on busy street
— Adapted from photo by Flickr user Dan DeLuca
His laptop was broken and he was using his wife’s, when the Facebook message popped up, “Hi sexy!” Scrolling through the older messages, Patrick discovered his wife was having an affair. A very familiar scenario, one might say. Isn’t this how one usually finds out about a cheating partner?
Patrick was devastated. And so was his wife of 10 years, Tanya. How can someone he thought was so wonderful do something so wrong? They had their ups and downs, they fought… but which couple didn’t? He never thought she would cheat on him. He trusted her so!
When they came in for couples counselling, Tanya said, yes, she still loves her husband. Everyone calls them made for each other. But, she had gotten emotionally involved with someone at work. What started as friendly chatting, developed into something deeper.
Tanya says that she herself was surprised at how the friendship became an emotional “wanting”. She craved to talk to him daily and this need slowly took over and she ended up cheating physically too.
Emotional Affairs: It doesn’t have to be sex for one to cheat
In fact, most people admit to cheating for the sake of the emotional connect and very few said they were just after sex. In fact, it doesn’t have to be sex for one to have cheated. Emotional affairs are more rampant, especially because a person is more connected “online” with a certain someone than “offline” with one’s own partner. Emotional affairs are also more difficult to counsel.
There are always exceptions, of course. Some crave the excitement that an illicit affair brings. They want someone and they just have to have them. But these are a minority when you compare it to the number of men and women who say that they didn’t intend to cheat. These people lose the emotional connection with their partners, and instead of trying to work it with them, choose to make the wrong choice of finding it elsewhere.
Family above everything else: Is it enough?
Take Brian, for instance. As a family man, you can’t seem to find a fault in him. However busy he was at work, he always made time for family, fulfilling his obligations. He made sure he was present for every school event of his children, was involved in their academics, and was caring and attentive to his wife. Nonetheless, he cheats. He justifies this by saying that he is discreet, and so long as he puts the family first and his wife doesn’t know, what does it matter? He too says that he loves his wife.
Why does he cheat? Brian says, “One can’t always find the perfect someone. Life is too short for that. My wife is a beautiful woman and admirable in so many ways. I love the way she manages home and career beautifully. But, I look for a certain excitement, a woman who can match my wits. And in my friend I see that quality. And I love her too. She knows this and understands.” If he is happy with his life, one might ask why does he come for counselling? Brian says, he can’t discuss his lover with anyone else and talking helps to put things in perspective. In other words, Brian is not completely happy with his dual life; he cannot find contentment.
Cheating doesn’t bring contentment
The sad reality is this: A vast majority of people cheat on their partners. And most of them cheat because people don’t choose to save their relationships. As social animals, we are always on the lookout for love and companionship. When we don’t nurture the relationship with our partners, we will always keep searching and never find contentment.
At the risk of sounding preachy, I will say that cheating is an ugly deal to face for both partners. Cheating can never make one happy. The person who cheats always feels guilty, and when the partner finds out – for however careful one might be, the truth will be out one day or the other – it is so difficult to go back to the earlier life and to earn the trust back.
Rekindle the spark with your partner
If you find yourself being attracted to someone outside your marriage, ask yourself: When have I last felt like that with my spouse? When have I sat down and enjoyed a meal with him/her, talking about everything and nothing? When have I laughed like that? If it has been too long, then you should try to connect back. Bring back the romance that you know you once had and you still can have. Relationships need work, but they are worth it. There is always the love, but we need to kindle the spark every now and then.
Couples Counselling at the Centre
The following are practitioners at the Centre who have experience with couples and relationship counselling:

Rebecca Carlson
Registered Psychologist & Clinical Registrar
I work to create strong, supportive relationships, which allow people to explore their experiences and struggles in a safe and non-judgmental space. I provide intervention that is collaborative and tailored to each person’s individual goals.

Laura Knox
Psychologist
I am a registered psychologist with an interest in providing high-quality therapeutic care in a safe and supportive environment. I work collaboratively with people to help address life stressors, improve psychological health and develop a more fulfilling life.

Susanne Goldie
Psychologist
I work with a wide range of individuals in a non-judgemental, holistic way to understand each person’s unique circumstances and support them in achieving their goals. I work with people of all ages.

Peter Baldwin, PH.D.
Registered Psychologist & Clinical Psychology Registrar
My therapeutic approach is warm and collaborative (with some occasional humour along the way). I work together with each client to develop a shared understanding of their situation and what they would like to get out of therapy.

Joan Hamilton Roberts
Counselling Psychologist & Psychodramatist
I have worked with individuals & couples for over 20 years. I help people rediscover forgotten perspectives & create new visions.
Geoff Newbegin
Counselling Psychologist & Psychotherapist
I am an experienced counsellor and psychologist with over 15 years of experience, which includes a wide range of clinical experience.
Christine Hayes
Educational and Developmental Psychologist
I provide psychological therapy services for adults, including parents, and for adolescents.
Saturday Appointments
Novi Sutanto
Psychologist
I believe in using curiosity and compassion when connecting with people, both inside, and out of, the therapy room.
Saturday Appointments

Matt Borowik
Psychologist
I am a supportive and compassionate person who believes that openness, collaboration and human connection is essential to positive outcomes in therapy.
To get an appointment or to make enquiries, please call (03) 9820-5577.
Related Articles
- Overcoming Relationship Challenges
- The Neuroscience of Relationships
- Bring Back the Love and Intimacy
- Couples Counselling
- Family Counselling
- How to Support Children through Divorce
Can I put like this? We should practice the art of falling in love again and again with the same person so that we could emotionally reconnect with our partner whenever we feel the connection is lost.
Thank you for leaving a comment, Nithya… That is precisely what the article is trying to say! 🙂 Cheers!